Thursday, December 5, 2013

2nd Injection & Fear

Today I had my 2nd IV glutathione. It went well and I had no reactions or side effects.  The only negative I noticed both times is a strong smell in my urine - but the nurse said this was normal as the glutathione is ridding the body of toxins.  Makes sense, but highly unpleasant especially since I have to go to the bathroom every 30-40 minutes.  I increased my water intake today knowing my body would need it for flushing, but I seriously feel like twice the  amount has come out than I took in!

I had a wave of energy but it was much shorter acting than last time - maybe 4 hours.  But I was able to sneak in some exercise during that time!  Then I crashed....not falling asleep but I felt like I couldn't lift a finger if I tried!  That lasted for about 1.5 -2 hours.  Thankfully I found enough energy to make a quick dinner so the kids wouldn't starve!  :)

The biggest difference is barely any itching at all!  Seriously it feels so good to not itch!  Also no minor irritating areas or burning since the injection.  I know this will not last but I will enjoy it for today!

Now for the fear part.  I have had increasing moments of mild fear/panic that my flares (as I used to have) will return.  Honestly, on a rational note, I feel like the supplements have truly given me my life back and that they have changed my skin for the better.  I don't think I will ever go back to that given how much my skin has really changed.  But then I remember reading all the blogs of those before me who have these amazing breaks and then "SNAP" the flare comes raging back weeks or months later.  And now that I have been feeling so good for 2 months now, I feel like I am closing in on some invisible deadline....it's as if I am getting closer to the time when my skin is going to turn on me and flare horribly for months to come.  I can't get the stories out of my head.  I spent hours on a daily basis the first few months reading other fellow warriors' blogs.  I was basically home bound so I just poured over their stories, soaking in their pain and "timelines".  I wanted to get some idea of what I was in for.  I had been through a sort of withdrawal once before - going from very potent steroids to a smidgen of over the counter strength.  I suffered for about 3 years without knowing what the heck was going on.  This time around I experienced a lot of the same, but also much different symptoms, so it really helped to read how others went through TSW - it gave me a bit of a clue.  I know no one follows one exact path with TSW, but knowing what others dealt with helped me to know that my symptoms were not off the grid per se.   But all those stories now seem to haunt me.  The phrase, "NOTHING but time will heal you" is glued in my head even though I don't believe it.  I somehow feel like I am waiting for a bomb to  go off.  It doesn't seem possible to be nearly healed at 9 months into TSW when I used TS for 30+ years.  So all of a sudden I have these doubts and fears - they are fleeting, but coming more frequently the past few weeks.  I somehow have to just let it be....what comes my way I will deal with it then.

So I will just remind myself over and over if I have to what happened today - before my injection.  You see last night I came home from work exhausted.  I have not slept well since starting the supplements 2 months ago.  Funny I was able to sleep during the worst parts!  But I stopped my cocktail of benadryl, tylenol, and ibuprofen.  The MSM I take is a natural anti-inflammatory.  It has a side effect of more energy hence the problem sleeping I assume.  I stopped the ibuprofen because I didn't want to have too many anti-inflammatories in my body. I stopped the tylenol because the NAC I take is supposed to protect the liver from such things as tylenol. Well last night I just couldn't take another tossing and turning, waking every 2 hours night.  I decided to skip the MSM and other evening supplements and just take my old cocktail.  Sure enough I slept 7 hours straight!  No tossing or turning!  I was overjoyed!  I decided that I should take the second dose of MSM around 3-4 pm and take my old cocktail right before  bed.  But since I only had one dose of the MSM yesterday, I had a bit of a drawback for about 10  minutes this morning.  I had the unpleasant experience of oozing from my left hand.  Yes....it only lasted 10 minutes, but the smell was unmistakable!  The MSM I believe is what keeps me from oozing and swelling.  The glutathione I believe is responsible for the ever strengthening of my skin.  The MSM has a short term effect whereas the glutathione has a longer term effect if that makes sense.  So missing one dose causes a small amount of oozing....I experienced this in the beginning of taking the supplements when I was not 100% compliant.  It didn't take me long then to figure out that missing one dose would bring on the ooze.

That experience has taught me that I am more than likely on the right track here.  I feel more and more confident in what I am doing and researching.  Of course I am still human enough to know that life is not all that simple and easy. I also know that I could very well be wrong and may experience another flare some day soon.  I just wish I could be this rational in my emotions! Unfortunately I haven't quite mastered my emotions!  Thankfully I have enough control over the fear to not let it turn into a panic attack.  I will just continue to pray for strength, guidance, and knowledge,  It's all I can do in the midst of all this.

I work the next few days....then I have a few days off when I will get some more pictures up!  Hope everyone is well!

12 comments:

  1. Can resonate with the fear part. I'm just over 2 months in and while my skin is very manageable at the moment, there is always this fear of my skin regressing. Having lived through the rough stages previously, this is something that I don't wanna go through again. Perhaps a good thing to do now is to "warrior" myself and get myself mentally ready for the next big flare if it comes.

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    1. I did the warrior thing during my first 6 months - I find I just don't have it in me right now to do that - going to just take it one day at a time for now....take whatever comes my way. :)

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  2. Tracy. Just enjoy being well!!! Don't waste your time worrying over something that may not even happen! It's true, the late flares are a bummer, but we learn to ride the wave.

    Don't let fear cast a cloud over you when you are doing so well. Get out and have some fun!

    I am so happy for you and truly hope that you are done with TSW for good. X

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    1. Thanks Louise....I have been getting out!!! :) I know at 9 months after 30 years of use, I am no where near done, but praying that I don't get any worse. I can work and play with where I'm at now and have my life back! Hoping you are hanging in there ok! :)

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  3. Tracy, I just had my worst flare and have almost fully recovered from it in just over one week, similar to my last flare. I attribute this to no moisturizing and my skin being stronger as a result. I strongly believe if you stick to not moisturizing you will be fine regardless.

    I also have been deeply disturbed by the mantra of "the only healer is the passage of time", as you may have seen in my posts. It's heart breaking to see the sense of hopelessness in people from this ill advised and misguided statement when I read their blogs. As I've said many times, hasn't anyone ever heard of the placebo effect? UGH!

    Anyway, don't worry about flares. They seem to be brought on by stress mostly so try and avoid it as much as possible. And, when you have a flare, just know your skin will heal again within a couple weeks. That is, as long as you stay off moisturizers of course.

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    1. Hi Dan,
      I used to think stress brought on flares and I think they do sometimes. But a few months ago after starting MW and the supplements I had my most stressful month ever with my husband being in an accident. But my skin only got better. So I'm just riding this good wave now and glad to be over the worst of TSW (at least for now). I needed to write this post because it is a reality of TSW. However I got over the fear in a few days and am now getting on with life. I find that if I write out my feelings, then I stop holding them in and letting them get the best of me. Writing this blog has been very therapeutic and I am so glad I I started it!

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  4. First of all, Yey on having energy! Then the msm, I've been taking it since I started tsw in March and I never ever oozed. But I only take it in the morning. To sleep two hours before bedtime I take: 300mg magnesium citrate, an evening primrose oil, quercetin, a glass of red wine and some dark chocolate. Yes, chocolate the high grade kind, the touch of sugar helps cortisol overnight, and contrary to popular belief it's actually low in caffeine but contains sedatives similar to pot. This combo knocks me out cold every night.

    As for the nothing heals but time nonsense. It is so destructive. Yes we know time eventually heals, but we do not know that nothing else does. And never ever underestimate the power of the mind. Be positive, BELIEVE you are going to be just fine. Stat away from any negativity. If you like trust that god or angels are guiding you and protecting you and that this is it!!

    I went through two full withdrawals before this, never knowing that steroids had been the problem. On the one hand of course it's such a great thing to know what happened so I never use them again. On the otherhand ignorance was bliss. I never knew the horror stories of some withdrawals, "late stage flares" etc etc I just assumed I was detoxing and getting better and better. And I did.

    Have faith.

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    1. Hi jsan!! I have missed you! I have been so busy with going back to work, I have failed to keep up with everyone! I am glad to hear from you and pray you are well!
      Your combo sounds delicious!!! I may just try it! :)
      I have been more positive than negative lately....really enjoying having my life back and not oozing and tearing my skin to shreds!! I especially liked the way my skin felt after the 2nd IV glutathione! I cannot believe how soft skin can feel!! Oy! I am so looking forward to Friday when I go again. :) I am very hopeful that it will give me the longer term effects of strength in my skin as it detoxifies each and every cell!

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  5. Hi tracy!
    Im super happy for you! Miss u.

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    1. Lisa,

      How are you doing???? I have missed you as well. Praying you have not had too rough of a time lately....hoping you have just been busy! :) Let me know how you are doing....email me: tracyscarpulla@gmail.com

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  6. Hi Tracy - I read your blog all the time but never comment. Your advice / observations so far have been very useful. I know what you mean about the fear. I believe some of us end up with a sort of 'PTSD' after / during TSW. I ended up seeing a counselor, I was in such terrible fear of being plunged back into the inferno. I'm on ciclo now. Every time I have to go to the derm i can hardly breath with anxiety that he will make me come off the stuff and back I'll go into the flames. My face and neck are still horrid, despite the ciclo, but at least i can function and at a distance of 20 paces look almost normal (especially if the light is dim). Anyway, I just write to say I understand the fear... I also am trying MSM and MW... Face is less red, but dry dry dry.
    Your blog is especially interesting as i am a 30+ years user too... keep on keeping on... I look forward to your picture updates. Its been great to see your amazing improvement.
    E xx

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    1. Hi Elaine! Thank you for reading my blog! I am hoping I can somehow help others get through this very tough journey! I know many people who have taken or are on ciclo....I decided against it because I had liver damage from the TS and knew ciclo would affect my liver negatively and I just didn't want to go down that road. I do know it has helped a lot of people get their life back. Hoping you don't need to be on it too much longer! The dryness in MW is tough in the beginning. I am glad though that I did it....so much easier to deal with the dry skin than the wet, tearing easily skin! Keep on keeping on!!!!

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